Totally Inappropriate Baby Halloween Costumes

I’ll never grow up if I have it my way. I’m more excited about Halloween this year than a six-year-old waiting up for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. During the Halloween festivities last year, Danny was still a wee midget man at just five months old. We dressed him in the hairiest and scariest ape suit we could find…unfortunately, my little monkey man was still too young to participate in the community-wide candy smash and grab.

Danny’s First Halloween

This year, it’s game on. Mommy is fat and pregnant and craving Snickers bars, so junior must be dressed to impress to reel in the most candy. It’s just business.

I started flipping through store flyers, catalogs and Halloween store websites in early September, eager to find the perfect costume for my little big man. Call me a perfectionist – but after a month of searching, all I found were 13 baby and toddler costumes certain to have the neighbors talking – and perhaps phoning the naughty parent police.

1. Baby Hitler

Torture and mass genocide of millions of innocent people – sure, why not.


2. Chucky Doll

Ok, this might be a really awesome idea if I wasn’t so freaked out by the Child’s Play movies. If I seen this thing on my doorstep looking for some chocolate, I’d peg the bowl of candy at it and haul ass out the back door. But I’m just a big sissy.


3. Pimp

Nothing says I’m an awesome parent like dressing Little Johnny up like a mack daddy. Now to work on the pimp lines. Where my bitches at?


4. Saddam

And here we have yet another pissed off dictator. And yet another parenting fail.


5. Nacho Libre

I’ve gotta give the parents creativity points for this one, but come on, it’s Jack Black in a cape for God sakes.


6. Baby Bud

They’re starting them younger and younger these days…


7. Hooters Girl

Dream big, girls!


8. Homeless

Panhandling candy using the pity card?? Completely tasteless…but totally genius!


9. Cigarettes

It’s always heartwarming to see fathers and sons participating in holiday festivities together. And look, dad dressed up as a role model! Oh wait, wrong photo…


10. Chicken giving birth to a predator alien

Poor Junior’s reflection¬† has never been so terrifying.


11. White trash toddler

All this little guy needs now is a can of PBR and some Marlboro reds.

12. Spider

This would be cute if it wasn’t for my severe arachnophobia. Makes me wanna grab a can of hair spray and plaster the shit out of it til it’s creepy little legs can’t crawl anymore.


13. Convict

I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get Junior into that orange jumpsuit. First a Halloween costume, then before you know it, he’s serving 20-to-life for smuggling 50 kilos of marijuana across the border with his pal from #6.

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  1. Brea

    Dammit, woman! You ruined my halloween costume surprise! Obviously, Piggle was going as Hitler! Way to go! Now I have to come up with a whole new idea…Maybe a chip and dale dancer…

  2. Jessica Humphreys

    Omg. Heeee I couldn’t stop laughing at your comment on the chucky doll. The spider I thought was a cute idea

  3. Maria Busby

    Hahaha, these costumes are epic fails on so many levels. Speaking of inappropriate costumes, I had to explain to my teenage son why it would be tasteless to dress as a suicide bomber. Sigh…

  4. Pingback: Best Toddler Costumes | Mommy Gone Mental
  5. Ron Miller

    What an incredible country we have. It is obvious by your list that we have put our hard-fought freedoms to good use. Unbelievable!
    But, thanks to our method of commerce, very believable.
    I’m all for creativity, and it’s nice to see parental involvement in activities with their kids. But there is a line that should not be crossed. Perhaps we should dress up the little ones as the real role models of today: sports stars, well Ok, maybe presidents, uh, perhaps hollywood starlets, no, priests. I give up. Maybe they should just go as themselves and carry a pumpkin bag.
    Myself, I’m going as a James Bond in a tuxedo. At least I can teach some math along the way. You know, he’s that guy known as seven-thousandths (AKA .007).

    • Sarah

      Calm down and have a sense of humor! I wanna dress my future children up as all these things/people because I love crossing that line. So chill out!

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