Totally Inappropriate Baby Halloween Costumes
I’ll never grow up if I have it my way. I’m more excited about Halloween this year than a six-year-old waiting up for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. During the Halloween festivities last year, Danny was still a wee midget man at just five months old. We dressed him in the hairiest and scariest ape suit we could find…unfortunately, my little monkey man was still too young to participate in the community-wide candy smash and grab.
This year, it’s game on. Mommy is fat and pregnant and craving Snickers bars, so junior must be dressed to impress to reel in the most candy. It’s just business.
I started flipping through store flyers, catalogs and Halloween store websites in early September, eager to find the perfect costume for my little big man. Call me a perfectionist – but after a month of searching, all I found were 13 baby and toddler costumes certain to have the neighbors talking – and perhaps phoning the naughty parent police.
1. Baby Hitler
Torture and mass genocide of millions of innocent people – sure, why not.
2. Chucky Doll
Ok, this might be a really awesome idea if I wasn’t so freaked out by the Child’s Play movies. If I seen this thing on my doorstep looking for some chocolate, I’d peg the bowl of candy at it and haul ass out the back door. But I’m just a big sissy.
3. Pimp
Nothing says I’m an awesome parent like dressing Little Johnny up like a mack daddy. Now to work on the pimp lines. Where my bitches at?
4. Saddam
And here we have yet another pissed off dictator. And yet another parenting fail.
5. Nacho Libre
I’ve gotta give the parents creativity points for this one, but come on, it’s Jack Black in a cape for God sakes.
6. Baby Bud
They’re starting them younger and younger these days…
7. Hooters Girl
Dream big, girls!
8. Homeless
Panhandling candy using the pity card?? Completely tasteless…but totally genius!
9. Cigarettes
It’s always heartwarming to see fathers and sons participating in holiday festivities together. And look, dad dressed up as a role model! Oh wait, wrong photo…
10. Chicken giving birth to a predator alien
Poor Junior’s reflection has never been so terrifying.
11. White trash toddler
All this little guy needs now is a can of PBR and some Marlboro reds.
12. Spider
This would be cute if it wasn’t for my severe arachnophobia. Makes me wanna grab a can of hair spray and plaster the shit out of it til it’s creepy little legs can’t crawl anymore.
13. Convict
I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get Junior into that orange jumpsuit. First a Halloween costume, then before you know it, he’s serving 20-to-life for smuggling 50 kilos of marijuana across the border with his pal from #6.
Dammit, woman! You ruined my halloween costume surprise! Obviously, Piggle was going as Hitler! Way to go! Now I have to come up with a whole new idea…Maybe a chip and dale dancer…
Piggle is waaay to adorable to pass as a murderous dictator.
Omg! These are all so bad I cannot choose one to dislike the most. LOL The hooters baby has to be my favorite though.
Haha! That one was a fav of mine too, so much so, I’m almost upset at my parents for not dressing me up as a Hooters chic as a baby! Almost.
I have to admit some of them were well tasteless. I will however say I loved #8
#8 was genius!! If pity equates to more candy, it’s a definite win.
Omg. Heeee I couldn’t stop laughing at your comment on the chucky doll. The spider I thought was a cute idea
If I didn’t have such a phobia of the Satan’s eight-legged pets, I would’ve thought it was cute idea too. Glad you enjoyed
Hahaha, these costumes are epic fails on so many levels. Speaking of inappropriate costumes, I had to explain to my teenage son why it would be tasteless to dress as a suicide bomber. Sigh…
If he does, please don’t let him leave the house without a pic and I’ll add it to my list.
Have I ever told you how much I love your blog?! This is too funny.
Thanks for the love, Jess!
What an incredible country we have. It is obvious by your list that we have put our hard-fought freedoms to good use. Unbelievable!
But, thanks to our method of commerce, very believable.
I’m all for creativity, and it’s nice to see parental involvement in activities with their kids. But there is a line that should not be crossed. Perhaps we should dress up the little ones as the real role models of today: sports stars, well Ok, maybe presidents, uh, perhaps hollywood starlets, no, priests. I give up. Maybe they should just go as themselves and carry a pumpkin bag.
Myself, I’m going as a James Bond in a tuxedo. At least I can teach some math along the way. You know, he’s that guy known as seven-thousandths (AKA .007).