I’ll never grow up if I have it my way. I’m more excited about Halloween this year than a six-year-old waiting up for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. During the Halloween festivities last year, Danny was still a wee midget man at just five months old. We dressed him in the hairiest and scariest ape suit we could find…unfortunately, my little monkey man was still too young to participate in the community-wide candy smash and grab.
This year, it’s game on. Mommy is fat and pregnant and craving Snickers bars, so junior must be dressed to impress to reel in the most candy. It’s just business.
I started flipping through store flyers, catalogs and Halloween store websites in early September, eager to find the perfect costume for my little big man. Call me a perfectionist – but after a month of searching, all I found were 13 baby and toddler costumes certain to have the neighbors talking – and perhaps phoning the naughty parent police.
1. Baby Hitler
Torture and mass genocide of millions of innocent people – sure, why not.
2. Chucky Doll
Ok, this might be a really awesome idea if I wasn’t so freaked out by the Child’s Play movies. If I seen this thing on my doorstep looking for some chocolate, I’d peg the bowl of candy at it and haul ass out the back door. But I’m just a big sissy.
Nothing says I’m an awesome parent like dressing Little Johnny up like a mack daddy. Now to work on the pimp lines. Where my bitches at?
And here we have yet another pissed off dictator. And yet another parenting fail.
5. Nacho Libre
I’ve gotta give the parents creativity points for this one, but come on, it’s Jack Black in a cape for God sakes.
6. Baby Bud
They’re starting them younger and younger these days…
7. Hooters Girl
Dream big, girls!
Panhandling candy using the pity card?? Completely tasteless…but totally genius!
It’s always heartwarming to see fathers and sons participating in holiday festivities together. And look, dad dressed up as a role model! Oh wait, wrong photo…
10. Chicken giving birth to a predator alien
Poor Junior’s reflection has never been so terrifying.
11. White trash toddler
All this little guy needs now is a can of PBR and some Marlboro reds.
This would be cute if it wasn’t for my severe arachnophobia. Makes me wanna grab a can of hair spray and plaster the shit out of it til it’s creepy little legs can’t crawl anymore.
I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get Junior into that orange jumpsuit. First a Halloween costume, then before you know it, he’s serving 20-to-life for smuggling 50 kilos of marijuana across the border with his pal from #6.